


The Weight We Carry

by Queerily_kai



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: First Meeting, Gen, Group Therapy, Happy Ending, I promise, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Shrunkyclunks, VA support group, death mention, meet sad, therapist sam cameo, vague references to traumatic events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 23:15:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13937514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queerily_kai/pseuds/Queerily_kai
Summary: Bucky agreed to go to the PTSD support group at the VA, but he never agreed to stand up and talk.  Things start to change the day Steve talks to him.





	The Weight We Carry

Tuesday at 18:00 hours.  
800 Poly Place, Brooklyn.  
PTSD Support group at the VA. 

Bucky had reluctantly agreed to attend the group after weeks of arguing with his therapist, saying he didn’t need a support group. The therapist that he was required to see by the court after being arrested for assault, when a loud crashing noise from a construction site triggered a flashback, and he mistook a man with an umbrella for an enemy with a gun. 

He gave up arguing halfway through his fourth appointment with the therapist and agreed to attend, but made no promises about speaking. For the third week in a row he sat in the back, in a folding chair against a brick wall and listened, hands in his lap, mostly looking at the floor. The group leader Sam was talking about man purses and something about “putting the past behind”. 

He stared at the floor, doing his best to listen as other veterans told stories about being triggered by plastic bags, or the neighbors’ children. He listened to first hand accounts about coping mechanisms that helped, taking mental notes on techniques he might use to lessen the guilt over the things he had done to others, and the shit that had been done to him. 

A new member stepped up to the podium.

“My name is Steve, and I’m struggling to cope with things I did while serving in the U.S Army.

“I’m also Captain America, and I’m struggling to cope with things I did while fighting with the Avengers.” 

Bucky looked up. Captain America’s voice was as he remembered from the documentaries he’d watched in school. He was not expecting the scruffy beard however, nor the Captain’s slumped shoulders as he stood behind the podium. The mask was off, and Steve looked exhausted. 

“I did a lot of things I’m not proud of, but I believed those things were okay, because they would help us beat the Nazi’s, because they were for the good of our country, because the good would eventually outnumber the bad. Or because I had my orders.” 

A few soldiers nodded as they listened, paying closer attention than normal. 

“But after a while, those things got harder to justify. The civilians that were shrugged off as unavoidable casualties. The children who lost their fathers. The mothers burying their sons. It got too hard to see the good.” 

Steve stopped talking for a moment, taking a long sip from a water bottle as he gathered his thoughts. People were starting to catch on that this wasn’t for show, and that Steve Rogers had joined the group as one of them. 

“And then I woke up after 70 years in the ice. And learned that I hadn’t managed to die in that plane crash. I had made my peace, said my goodbyes, and welcomed the end. It wasn’t the end though, and the guilt was still there. Seeing one of my men fall to his death right in front of me was still just as fresh.”

Steve paused again, taking a slow breath as he wiped a tear from his eye. 

“Before I even wrapped my head around all the new technology, and how much the city had changed, I was back in the fight. Aliens this time, teamed up with a guy in a flying metal suit. And then Hydra, again. And mutants. And aliens again, and everything else that should just stay in science fiction novels.

“I don’t know how to stand down, to live my life without constantly following orders, to constantly be watching for threats. I can’t stop being a soldier, in any century.”

 

Steve stopped talking again, seeming to have run out of words and glanced around awkwardly, looking relieved when Sam stood and thanked him for sharing, and a few people clapped politely. Steve kept his eyes on the floor as he took a seat in the back row, at the other end, pulling up his hood as he settled in to listen to the next member speak.

 

Bucky stayed in his seat after the meeting ended, waiting for the room to empty out before he stood to leave himself. He pulled up his hood and began to make his way down the row of chairs when he noticed Steve was still sitting in the opposite corner, staring at the far wall. 

“You okay?” He asked hesitantly, pausing in the aisle between seats. 

Steve looked up with a weak smile and nodded.  
“Yeah,” he replied with a sigh, “That was harder than I expected, though.”

“Better than I’ve managed so far. Just sitting here listening is hard some weeks.” Bucky said, sitting again next to Steve. 

Steve didn’t answer, but leaned back in his chair with a sigh and looked over at Bucky. 

“Even if I did get up the nerve to get up and speak, I don’t know what I could even say,” Bucky continued. “I was a sniper, special ops, most of what I did is still confidential.” 

“You’ll figure something out,” Steve replied, sounding more confident. “It took me almost a month of sitting here trying to hide out before I managed to get up there.” 

Bucky looked up at Steve, surprised at what he was hearing. “A month?” he questioned. 

“Yeah, a month,” Steve said with a laugh. “I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who didn’t recognize me before today.”

“Probably,” Bucky agreed, nervously wringing his hands. 

“I noticed you, though,” Steve said suddenly, sounding nervous as well. 

Bucky raised an eyebrow, confused by why Steve Rogers would notice someone like him.  
“Why?” Bucky asked. 

“I don’t know,” Steve replied, “There’s just something about you that got my attention, made me nervous about saying hi to you.”

Bucky didn’t know how to respond, nervously eyeing the door. He was suddenly finding himself outside his comfort zone for public interactions, and wanted to run. 

“The history books like to talk about how the serum made me taller and more muscular, cured all my illnesses and made me the perfect soldier. It does not mention however, that it does nothing to help you cope with everything that comes with actually being a supersoldier.” Steve said, noticing Bucky’s anxiety. “It also doesn’t give me the ability to ask people on dates without making a fool of myself.” 

Bucky froze in his seat, looking back at Steve. Steve looked terrified all of a sudden, like he just realized what he had said. 

“My name is Bucky, that’s not confidential, and there’s a diner down the block I usually go to after meetings.” He said, feeling an unexpected boost of confidence. “You’re welcome to join me, if you want.” 

“Nice to meet you, Bucky,” Steve said with a sigh of relief. “That sounds great.” 

They left through the back door, avoiding the people that usually filled the lobby after meetings, and made their way up the sidewalk to the diner. Steve grabbed Bucky’s hand as they walked, and Bucky’s smile was real for the first time in months.


End file.
